nathan is in jail.

October 20, 2004… the day that changed my high school life. This guy named Nate just started working at Burger King with me had asked for my number, and while on the phone that night, we made plans to hang out the next night. He said on the phone, “all girls are liars, cheaters, or whores”. I said, I can guarantee that I am not any of these. He said, “we’ll see”. The next night after work, I went over to where he was living at, and we hung out. I remember that night, I looked into his eyes and said, “You are insane”. I told him I could just see it in his eyes that he was crazy, and it almost scared me, but I thought nothing of it. We hung out the next night and by Sunday at work, word had gotten around that we were dating. This shocked me, because I had known him for just three days. You can't figure out in three days whether or not you like a person, much less decide whether or not you want to date them. I wasn’t really comfortable enough around Nate to have a conversation about that with him, so I just let him think what he wanted, even though I didn’t consider us dating, and didn’t even want to be with him. Nate was 21. I had just turned 17. We were at completely different points in our lives. He wanted to start looking for someone to settle down with, and I haven’t started my life. He wants to get married and have kids; I hate the idea of a relationship, and honestly, hate kids as well. He was expelled from school as a senior from getting in too many fights; he had just gotten in trouble with the law because of a drug bust. He was constantly unemployed, going from job to job every few months. I’m still in school, and am planning on going to college and living comfortably, and not having to worry about having a place to live when I grow up. I hate drugs with a passion, and have hardly even gotten into arguments with people, much less a physical fight. We had a lot of the same background; he even had grown up in New York, not far from where we have a lake house. Both our parents were divorced, and both of our fathers were violent alcoholics, and we don’t know where either of our fathers are to this day. He was fun to hang out with, easy to joke around with, easy to have serious conversations with, our personalities just clicked. We started hanging out every day, and when I wasn’t at work or school, you could place money on me being with Nate. I started to really care about him, and I know that the feeling was mutual. I was helping him out, buying him food when he didn’t have money because he was using all of his paychecks to go towards rent; he was living with a friend. He was an alcoholic when I met him. He knew that I would have nothing to do with him if he drank, so he quit. I helped him stay off of drugs when he had an upcoming court date because of his cocaine charges. I was proud of myself for helping him out, because I knew I was a positive influence on his life. Frankly, he doesn’t know right from wrong, and will admit it to this day. He wrote me a letter one night within the first three weeks of us hanging out that basically said, “you make me so happy, I know that with you I won’t be getting into trouble, and no girl has ever made me this happy. I have some other things to tell you, but I will tell you another time”. I was with him when I read the letter and when I finished I was like... well what do you have to tell me? He said I think I’m falling in love with you. This scared me because I have been in one relationship before him, and we never told each other that. Nate has lived in New York, Florida, and Virginia. How he got in Christiansburg, Virginia is still beyond me. But the point is, he has had his fair share of girlfriends. I was like, yeah I’m sure you said that to all of your other girls, right Nate? And he held my shoulders and looked at me in the eye and said, I have said it to two girls in my entire life. And those two girls are tattooed on my back. (Two of his ex-girlfriends, Cassie, and Haley.) I didn’t believe that he hadn’t said it to other girls, but I really think that he thought he meant it. I told him that I cared about him, but I don’t even believe in love, and I knew that I didn’t love him. Nate would always lay with me and say, we are perfect for each other, when we lay together, we just fit, our hands fit perfectly, I’m so comfortable, always, with you… we say the same things at the same time, you always say what I’m thinking and vica versa, we know how to make each other laugh and cry and angry, we are exactly the same. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I had to admit, a lot of the things he was saying was the truth. It was nice for once to have someone care about me. Someone who would call me every night just to say goodnight, and it got into a habit, I didn’t like to sleep if he didn’t call to say goodnight. I think that was the first sign that there was something wrong, but I figured it was good to be happy. Every night after we got off the phone, before he told me he loved me, he would say “I miss you” and I would have to say.. I miss you too.. even though I don’t know how I could miss him when I was just with him, and I was talking to him. I figured he was just trying to be sweet and didn’t think anything of it. We never fought for about two months, and he had already been kicked out of where he had been staying over a long distance phone call to his mother in New York. Him and his mother have a terrible relationship. He was kicked out of the house when he was 15, when she found out he was smoking and drinking, and he lived in an orphan home for a year, then ran away, and has been on his own ever since. I’ve talked on the phone with his mother, and she seems very cold hearted, and I can tell that she really does not care about Nate at all. She is so monotone when she talks, it’s the most terrible thing to hear someone’s mother just not care, because I know that my mother loves me so much, and I know that it must be hard not to have your mom supporting you, and having her being disappointed in me. Nate told me that she used to tell him that he was going to be “a fuck up just like his father, and that he would never get anywhere in life”. Nate started to believe this. We didn’t really fight for the first few months. One night we got into a fight that led to him throwing my keys out the door. I was supposed to be home at nine thirty, and it was 9:25 when he threw them, we had been arguing for about fifteen minutes and he took my keys so I couldn’t leave. I told him that I hated him and that I wanted to hit him in the face. I don’t know if I really hated him, but I never would hit him. he said that he wanted to throw my keys outside. That’s the difference between me and nate, I wanted to hit him, and I didn’t, and when he realized what a good idea throwing my keys outside on a cold, rainy winter night was, he did it. I still wanted to hang out with nate, so I called mom and told her that we were messing around and they were thrown on accident. So I stayed for about an hour, with about five other people, using our cell phones as flash lights to look for them outside. He didn’t help us look for them. I came home to extremely angry parents, who said nate would pay for the keys if they were not found, but I reassured them that they would be, and nate got up the next morning to look for the keys, and found them, in a puddle of muddy water about 10 yards from the house. When I first met him, he didn’t have an ID. He apparently lost it one night at a bar. He was fired from BK about a month after he was hired. The only reason he was hired there was because he had worked there before and the managers knew him and had his stuff on file. It is very hard to get a job in this country without an ID-even harder when you don’t have the money to get it. It took several months to finally get his ID, issues with him not having enough forms of identification, so he had to get his selective service card. One of the biggest fights we got in was at the DMV when he had a change of address letter that he needed to get his ID. I told the DMV people that the address that was on that paper wasn’t the address he was living at now, and asked if that was a problem, it was and he wasn’t allowed to get his ID. He threw a fit “why did you open your mouth, I would have been able to get it if you hadn’t opened your fucking mouth”. I got pissed off and was like, alright, you can get your ID by yourself, I won’t help you pay for this. And I threw all of his papers on the ground, outside. This was a really stupid idea, because it was windy. All of his birth certificate/SS card/random pieces of his identity papers went flying. I got into my car and waited for him to get his stuff. This was the day after he threw my keys. When he got back into the car, I told him that he deserved that, and I wasn’t sorry for what I did. Even though I felt bad, I wasn’t going to tell him, I am a pretty stubborn person, and I was too angry with him for going off on me like that after the people at the dmv would have noticed it wasn’t the same address anyway. When we got to his house, I told him to get out of my car, and that I never wanted to talk to him again. We had started to fight more and more, and I couldn’t really take him anymore. I was getting sick of him, sick of him taking advantage of how good I was to him, and sick of the fights. he refused for an hour to get out of my car, because he knew that if he got out and once I drove away, he would never see me again. This was probably the first major sign that there was something wrong with him. I started yelling at him, and at some point he started to cry, and that was the first time I had ever seen a boy cry. I don’t remember how we started to get along again. things to add: how much money i spend on him how much time i spend on him trust issues how he is bpd recent fights how i feel what im going to do how he feels what people say about him OD on pills.... racism/fight with eddie all the fights hes been in stupidddddddddddddd

nate tried to kill himself today because i didnt want anything to do with him anymore.  i kid you not. he tried to od on some pills, who knows what the heck kind ... i was really mean to him today, i would want to die if i had me bitching at me all day too.
i can not take him anymore. he is so sycho. i dont even have words to say. this thing is getting old. its hard to make it seem like anything i say in here has any importance when i leave out all the details that make it a story worth saying

i dont want anything to do with him but at the same time i want to be with him right now.

 

^{and i hate you but i love you and i swear it doesnt matter and im running away screaming I CANT TAKE THIS...}

i called him to see if he was alive still. he seemed pretty hostile towards me. thats a first, usually hes begging for me to come back. i guess he realizes that im more likely to want something to do with him when hes angry with me or when i dont think he wants something to do with me. "you want what you cant have" .......and its working.



yeah ive gone insane

nate told me tonight that he wants to go back to new york. he wants me to go up there with him. that kind of freaks me out, ive got to admit. he said hell wait till i get out of high school. honestly, i dont even know how much longer i can stand to be with him. sometimes i cant stand the thought of losing him, and others i cant stand to even look at him. i mean, im going to college. im not going to fuck that up because of a boy.

well, hello friends. long time no talk. ive been busy.
with a boy!

so im in a boy situation
make that a five boy situation.

i 'love' *o**

i miss **a*

i like **a**o*

i want aa*o*

i need *a*i*

my mind plays these fucking insane games with itself. maybe its because my brain is so bored with life that it creates problems and makes me think about them until i go insane. nah, im just insane.

im extremely angry with robb. he doesnt know it though. he never does. ive been angry with him quite a few times and im basically too much of a pussy to talk to him about it. i think ill talk to him about this shit though, if he ever calls me, cause he really fucked me over and thats so fucked up. i dont see how he can sit there and call me one of his best friends, then he ignores me the whole time hes in town .....when he was only there because of me. now katie collins is pickin him up, which is definitly better than ashley .. but i still dont know, because hes still putting her in front of me when he told me that mark and me were the only two people he wanted to see when he came back. i want to talk to him so bad, but im too angry with him to call him, and i would look retarded calling him, i want him to call my ass damnit. ugh, ill probably end up calling him tonight. i have to work all day today . i need to get ready.

part one

ok whoever the fuck signed my guestbook shit really pissed me off. where the fuck does all this shit about money and looks come in? i never said anything about money, and the only thing i ever said about looks in my whole entire journal is  when i think that a guy i like is attractive. you dont know shit about who i love/like/am and why. thats really some shit if you wanna try n tell me what a horrible person i am when you dont know one thing about me.

really. youre fucking gay.

get the balls to tell me who the fuck you are. you know your wrong, thats why you cant sign your damn name.

ps. telling me that you wish i would go to hell is not an effective threat, there is no hell

.........heres a better one

is that what you call a getaway?
tell me what you got away with
cause ive seen more spine in jellyfish
ive seen more guts in eleven year old kids
have another drink and drive yourself home
i hope theres ice on all the roads
and you can think of me
when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your
head goes through the windshield.

part two.

so now i realize what whoever wrote that shit ..what they were talking about... chad. i can guarantee that you are lying and that you never slept with the boy. if you even know who i am, you would have seen in school that me and chad obviously had something..and really, everyone knew we were talking, and some people thought we were dating. if chad had liked you, he would have been with you everyday in lunch, or between every class, or on the phone with you at night. i know for a fact that chad did like me, for quite some time .. even if he did fuck with my head alot ...and we still talk. and he still obviously cares about me... unless guys just randomly tell girls that they want date them and how hott they are for the hell of it. theres no need to lie and pretend that your better than me, when your obviously just jealous for some reason. i cant believe you would have the nerve to call me a bitch, when lets count. you called me one seven times. i hope you didnt expect that to bother me, because i just think it makes this situation alittle bit more hilarious, and make you alittle bit more trashy. i dont really think im that great, but after reading those immature comments you left me, i really think you helped boost my self esteem, because now i realize how pathetic im not. dont call me a nasty fuck, cause ive never mentioned or stated that ive done anything to make me nasty... and i do believe you tried to tell me that you slept with chad. i do not think im pretty, or or hott, or even that great of a person...but i do know when a guy deserves better than what he is currently going for, and sometimes, whether im right or not, i feel that i am because im probably the fuckin realest girl in this damn town, and so i dont think that guys deserve girls who are fake.

oh and you call me pathetic for being home alone? you sit home alone reading other girls journals. ha!

SAY IT TO MY FACE, BITCH.

                 <<go on hate me, you cant break me.>>